if i could grant you ONE wish what would the wish be??
- it cant be for more wishes
- it cant be for bigger boobs/smaller whatever/bigger whatever.
- it cant be about your body.
- give me something real & honest.
And I hide because there’s more to me than what you see and I’m not sure you’d like the rest. I know that sometimes, I don’t like the rest.
Can’t sleep, really want a fag and there is a mouse running round my house. Could this night get any worse? Oh but wait. What fresh hell is this?… My grandad is going into hospital tomorrow for his surgery. Great way to top it all off.
I just want to be able to smile like I really mean it again.
I said nothing for a time, just ran my fingertips along the edge of the human-shaped emptiness that had been left inside me.
This can’t be happening. It’s not possible.
You’re supposed to be there to give my sisters away at their weddings.
You’re supposed to be there to see me graduate.
You’re supposed to be there to see your first great-grandchild.
You’re supposed to help me choose my first house.
You’re supposed to be invincible.
So why are you dying?
I say I’m doing great but really all I want to is crawl into a ball and stay there for a week. I don’t know how to handle this.
You understand do you? You understand how some days, I’m okay. I want to laugh and smile and create something beautiful, how I want to show the world that I’m alive, I want to feel air rush into and out of my lungs. And other days, I want to take a bullet to my head, sit in my room and drag blades across my body. How I want to break things, people and objects alike. I want to slit my throat, swallow handfuls of pills and get hit by a car. You understand how it feels, to be happy one day, then depressed the next?
I do, I really do.
